One of the great blessings in my marriage is this:  My wife knows how to mingle. I just tag along.  I’m not much a talker. As much as I’ve prayed for it, the Holy Spirit never anointed me with the gift of mingling. Perhaps something happened in my childhood or maybe it was that rule that I took too seriously:  Don’t talk to strangers. Darlene has never obeyed that rule and I couldn’t be happier. At dinner parties or church fellowships, I’m happy to just smile, nod and let her practice her gift of conversation. She even successfully invited a salesman to visit our church when we attended his timeshare pitch.  We didn’t even have to buy a condo and he showed up at our church the following Sunday. She’s talked her way out of my speeding tickets. 3 times! She turns on the tears and shares the reason I was speeding and the next thing I know we are given the tip of the hat and we’re back on the road. I’ve never talked my way out anything. She’s a pro. 

I hate haircuts, and not because I long for a man-bun or to look like a member of Led Zeppelin. No. I hate it because I have to make a short list of things I to say to the gal who cuts my hair. After two or three universal topics like the weather, what I do for a living, who I am, I usually create about 10 minutes of awkward silence. I tip a little more than most because who can put a price tag on awkwardness. 

My dad was a total extravert. He could and would talk to anybody. I remember days as a child watching him figure out a way to talk to everybody. He’d start with a joke. He’d have about ten in his holster. And then he  would try to figure out if he was related to the stranger. I learned at a very young age that, in fact, we are somehow related to everyone in town. Even an exchange student from Japan. 

For me, the polarities are striking. I don’t have any trouble getting up and speaking at conferences or church services. No problem there… It’s a controlled environment. I plan what I’m going to say and no one talks back.  At least not often. They stay in their seats and I stay on the platform. No problem. After it’s over, it gets strange though. My impulse when I speak to people after the meeting is to begin a long screed of apologies. 

“Sorry it took so long.” 

“I hope you could hear me.”

“I don’t think I said it the way I want to say it.” 

As parents and grandparents, we have to talk. The generations behind us need our words about the important things like defensive driving, the importance of a daily quiet time and the complete absurdity of the American League designated hitter. I think I do well at these talks especially about salvation and walking daily with Jesus. The difficult conversations about human sexuality are the ones I dread. I never felt qualified. I’d take my kids on a special trip and along the drive, I’d spill the beans on how everything works. For me, the strategy was perfect because I could keep my eyes of the road while I’m talking.

These days I am willing to embrace my introversion while seeking to be more daring in my interactions. In fact, yesterday, I even talked to the parking officer who happened to be placing a citation under my windshield wiper for parking in a no-parking zone.  We had a wonderful  conversation about our kids, the growth in our city, the power of random acts of kindness. We must have talked for 15 minutes. But he still gave me the parking ticket. 

In Tennessee Williams play, “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof,” we encounter the alcoholic anti-hero, Brick Pollitt. Brick was once a football hero with the world at his feet. But in the play, we see him as an broken man who hopelessly lost his way. His liquor provided the only peace from the noise and tumult of life. He describes it as a click that would come after he gets enough drink to settle his nerves. Throughout most of the story, he is simply waiting for “the click” and that momentary ephemeral peace he craves. It seems that there are so many men, who decide life’s not possible without some kind of click, whether it’s through entertainment, sex, beer, or sports. It’s all about numbing the pain and satisfying the constant craving of their soul. 

Brick is an archetype of spiritual despair. He’s long since left the hunt for meaning and entered into a state of moral paralysis. He’s mourning the death of a close friend and struggling with the guilt of his own existence. His marriage is lifeless. Everything is circling into a pit of meaninglessness.

No purpose, no passion, no peace… But still a thirst, an unquenchable thirst.

The Samaritan woman Jesus encountered, had the same issue 2000 years earlier. She asked Jesus where she could find this water that could quench the thirst of her soul. She had been on an arduous quest through several marriages and gods. And now the one true God of the universe stared her down and offered her something far greater than a click of peace. He offered her a fountain of living water. We constantly encounter men and women who are going through their day, navigating through life from one click to the next, searching for peace. Jesus went out of his way to offer a soul searcher a fountain of peace that proved far greater than a momentary click. And now Jesus invites us to share this living water also. 

Isn’t it inspiring when we see Forrest Gump running through the battlefield as bombs explode carrying his pal Bubba? We have to smile when we hear those simple, loving words, “Bubba was my best good friend, and even I know that ain’t just something you can find around the corner.” It’s true. Good best friends are rare.

God surprised David by revealing that his best friend was to be the son of his greatest rival, King Saul. (Read 1 Samuel 18:1-3.)

1. Choose your friends wisely.

Perhaps one of the most important decisions we make is who we choose to do life with. Friendship and connections will determine our destiny, shape our future and direct our steps.

“Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company corrupts good morals’” (1 Cor. 15:33).

“A contrary man spreads conflict, and a gossip separates close friends” (Prov. 16:28).

“Don’t make friends with an angry man, and don’t be a companion of a hot-tempered man, or you will learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare” (Prov. 22:24-25).

2. Forgive your friends willingly.

“Therefore, God’s chosen ones, holy and loved, put on heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, accepting one another and forgiving one another if anyone has a complaint against another. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive. Above all, put on love—the perfect bond of unity” (Col. 3:12-14).

If we are not reconciled, Jesus reminds us that we can’t experience real worship. Worship is always preceded by reconciliation and forgiveness. Otherwise it’s just religion.

“Nothing that is worth doing can be achieved in our lifetime; therefore, we must be saved by hope. Nothing which is true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history; therefore we must be saved by faith. Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone; therefore, we are saved by love. No virtuous act is quite as virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as from our own viewpoint; therefore we must be saved by the final form of love which is forgiveness.” —Reinhold Niebuhr

3. Listen to your friends closely.

Our real friends aren’t the ones who simply flatter us and make us feel comfortable with ourselves. The true friend loves us enough to speak truth to us. If we want to grow we must learn this art of speaking and listening to truth.

“Without guidance, people fall, but with many counselors there is deliverance” (Prov. 11:14).

“Better an open reprimand than concealed love. The wounds of a friend are trustworthy, but the kisses of an enemy are excessive” (Prov. 27:5-6).

4. Defend your friends fiercely.

Are you willing to defend your friends when they experience adversity? Solomon describes this type of relationship this way in Ecclesiastes:

“Two are better than one because they have a good reward for

their efforts. For if either falls, his companion can lift him up;

but pity the one who falls without another to lift him up. Also,

if two lie down together, they can keep warm; but how can one

person alone keep warm?” (Ecc. 4:9-11).

5. Love your friends sacrificially.

“This is My command: Love one another as I have loved you” (John 15:12-15).

A surprising friend is one that will lay down his or her life for you.

A surprising friend is a friend that loves with a God-kind-of-love!

The moment you began your relationship with Jesus Christ you also began a relationship with other Christians. Now you are part of God’s family, and in God’s family there are no orphans. God did not intend for His children to live as individual islands of faith, but rather as a community of believers, interrelated with each other and part of something much bigger than themselves. That “something” is the Church.

6. Know the greatest friend eternally.

“A man with many friends may be harmed, but there is a friend who stays closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24).

To experience a love that crosses all boundaries of race, opinion, and fear

To be a friend is to know the Friend.

To understand a love that crushes the hard shell of bitterness

To know love in all its aspects

This is to be a friend.

To ignore

To know the need and never take a stand

This is the way of isolation.

His voice beckons us to share this love

It’s a sacrifice far and above.

Higher than any mountain

More refreshing than any other fountain

This is the heart of the God.

It’s what we choose to applaud

It’s what we celebrate today

Precious, more than words can say

And the more we seek His grace

The more hurt we are willing to face.

To be the kind of friend that goes the extra mile

To see the pleasure of His smile

This is what it really looks like to be a friend

A servant faithful to the end.

To seek Him

To find Him

To serve Him

To love Him

To please Him

To be His friend . . .

5 Traits of a Humble Leader

I don’t know about you, but I can’t wrap my brain around the task Moses faced. Can you imagine the pressure of being a leader and provider for thousands of people in the wilderness? And these weren’t perfect followers by any stretch. 

You can just imagine the voicemails and texts he would get before 6 AM, if there were voicemails back then.

And to top it all off, his own family took offense to his wife’s nationality and let everybody know about it. But Moses, according to Numbers 12:3, was a very humble man. The Lord took care of the situation without a word from Moses and after they received God’s leprous punishment, Moses even prayed for their healing. Evidently, Moses had the Lord’s attention, and I would argue that God came to his defense precisely because of his humility. Ultimately, Moses’ humility led to unity among God’s chosen people.

“That pillar of fire at night is scaring our camel! And that cloud during the day is affecting my asthma.”

Humility is the secret sauce of every long-term leader. The Hogan Assessment Firm, a secular research group, offered a summary of their work in studying humble leaders: 

Organizations often overlook humble employees for leadership positions in favor of those who are charismatic. Charismatic people are charming and inspirational, but many turn out to be narcissistic, arrogant, and potentially exploitative. In contrast, humble leaders empower followers and promote team learning.^[1]

1. A humble leader is teachable.

The worst thing that could happen to a servant leader is for him to believe that he has arrived. A humble leader is self-aware. He’s aware that every circumstance and relationship is an opportunity to learn. Think about it. We are unique, which implies that there are skills, perspectives and lessons that are found in every relationship. The humble leader would say, “There are some things I can only learn from you.” With this as a mindset, every relationship, even the difficult ones, are treasured. Every challenge, trial and circumstance provides an opportunity for growth. Jerry, a deacon in our church recently was diagnosed with colon cancer. In the first five minutes of our initial conversation, he said something that I’ll never forget. “You know, Matt, it’s difficult, but I’m sure learning a lot of things through all of this. It’s really amazing!” Frankly I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It wasn’t a posture of self-pity or pessimism, although he had every right to go there. It was almost like a simple prayer of “What’s next, Father?” A Christ-follower approaches life as a lifelong learner who is rehearsing his walk with Christ as a prelude to eternity. 

• A humble leader quickly realizes and admits mistakes.

Perhaps the most impactful moment for the season leader to seize is the opportunity to say to his peers and mentees, “I made a mistake.” Or “I need a do-over.”  Nothing great is ever learned when leader casts blame on others or seeks to cover up a personal mistake or a sin. The only way a team grows through a failure is when amends are offered, and mistakes are owned. Your ability to be humble means you are not only willing to recognize your shortcomings but also being able to laugh at yourself even now and then. Create a “James 5:16 moment.” Joyfully confess your faults one to another! It will get your mind right. It might even heal you. 

• A humble leader celebrates other leaders and is quick to give credit. 

The flipside of admitting our mistakes is sharing the credit. In the church, credit is infinitely divisible. We are all part of the same body. As President Truman and Coach Wooden often said, “It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.”  As humble leaders we need to look for opportunities to recognize the successes and victories in our church. This is a far greater motivator than constant corrections and tweaks. Some men have to get over the inherent fallacy that if you affirm people, they won’t be hungry or motivated. Positive motivation always works best. It’s like the old parenting proverb, “Catch your kids doing something good.” A narcissist sees credit given to a colleague as a lowering of their own personal esteem through comparison. Envy prevents gratefulness and joy, but the humble leader celebrates others, and he is rewarded. 

• A humble leader admits his limitations.

Have you ever considered that a heavy workload and a life with no margin could be a hidden symptom of pride? It often connotes a man who is unwilling to delegate or ask for help because he believes that only he could do it right. The humble leader realizes that he’s not the resident superman. He burned that cape a long time ago. Don’t just give help. Learn to ask for help. As Larry Eisenburg put it: “For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe.”

• A humble leader realizes that he is only vessel, not the main character. 

We are often tempted in assuming the story is all about us, but of course it isn’t. We must get beyond ourselves and get the 30,000-foot view of all that is going on. We are all a part of a much bigger story than any of us can comprehend. I might not have a starring role, but I have a few lines to say. I commit to saying those few lines as best I can. You and I might not change a nation but we all can help change a child’s life. Imagine what would happen if everyone led humbly. It really would change a nation!

Humility is a gift, but it is also a skill. It won’t be accomplished overnight. We must daily pick up our cross. We must work on it daily. Jesus provides the template: “He humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death— even to death on a cross.” When we focus on Jesus, it’s not hard to be humble.

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^[1] https://www.hoganassessments.com/research/ongoing-innovations/humility-2/