when it’s all said and done here.
look me up.
I’ll be kicking back, slinging jawbones
with samson
who made it in the door by the grace of God
same as noah
found grace
discovered it

(he happened upon it or rather it happened upon him)

i’ll be listening to stories of limping jacob and stumbling bartimaeus
I’ll be all ears– smiling and wondering about weak eyes, pharisees and romance
discussing it with the miracle boy of Jesus’ mud pies

look! there’s Paul (no longer writing with big letters–the lasik surgery is divine)
he’s catching up on his reading
checking out the far flung analysis of lettered theologians
from barclay to barnes to hal lindsay (just for fun)
I will not dare disturb him.

and Jesus is smiling
His kids–the whole crew is back home
all of them
He’s feasting on the vision He’s been waiting to see

me?
i’m the guy way over in the back of the family portrait
next to a man named bart wrinkle (of whom i have not met)

For some people, church growth can be rather tedious. Parking problems, the new people to get to know, the reduction of political power due to the influx of new people that don’t know you, the extra wear on the carpet, the noise of young children, the overuse of bathroom facilities…you name it. So as we contemplate growth I thought I’d share a few ideas that could very well solve the spread of people throughout the foyer of your church’s worship center.

So, just for fun, may I submit to you 25 tried and true ideas for solving the annoying problem of church growth. Pick a couple and see what happens.

1. Begin your message with the phrase, “You know what’s wrong with you people…”
2. Place the Student Sunday school space near the “Ruth class” for ladies 70 and above.
3. Move Business Meetings to Sunday Morning and open up the floor by asking, “So does anybody have beefs?”
4. Begin that year-long sermon series on the 70 weeks of Daniel.
5. Place a Polygraph machine on the front pew to be used during the invitation time.
6. Place tire puncture strips in the parking lot for cars going the wrong way before Sunday School.
7. Pick a NASCAR driver as your favorite and complain about all the other drivers (this works best in Alabama).
8. Place the Roller Coaster “You must be this tall” sign at the entrance of the Worship Center. (And make it stand about 5’8 ½”)
9. Keep the Christmas Pageant livestock in the church choir room year round.
10. Announce that on high attendance Sunday, if the goal is met, everyone will kiss the pig!
11. If your auditorium slopes downward to the platform give every kid under 12 a handful of marble before the service.
12.  Give the deacons the ability to “gong” the special music.
13.  Place the outdoor welcome center tent a few feet from the septic tank.
14.  Replace the pictures of former pastors with pictures of Larry, Moe, and Curly.
15.  Start arranging marriages in the single department.
16.  Put a blank for weight on the membership forms.
17.  Invite the “Cops” crew along during hospital visits.
18. Demand madatory drug tests for all senior adult excursions.
19.  In order to feel relevant, say “Dude” 15 times from the pulpit each Sunday.
20.  Have organist play hockey cheers at pivotal moments of the sermon.
21. Place armed guards in front of the Sunday School Supply Closet.
22. Before the offertory hymn have the worship leader scream, “Show Me the Money”
23.  Charge tolls for use of restrooms.
24.  Illustrate all sermons or Sunday School lessons with scenes from “Walker Texas Ranger.”
25.  Use the “The Voice” format for staff hirings.

As a child, I grew up as a concrete thinker.  Honestly, most of us were. That’s just a fact about kids.  They think concretely and are unable to process the subtle imagery adults use.

I remember I had a deep fear of my aunt who told me that I was so cute she could just eat me up. I didn’t understand and ran away in fear. All I knew was that my aunt was a cannibal and I was spending a weekend at her house. Trauma.

It just seemed like my aunt said things that were strangely macabre. Who is this woman? Is she really my aunt? How many children has she eaten?

“Come here, Sugar. Let me wipe your face off.”

“Wipe my face off? No!”

She thought I was being stubborn but who in their right mind wipes someone’s face completely OFF? There must be a law, an ordinance that would prohibit such a disfigurement. How would one see? How would one breathe?

I was often called a “toe-head.” I still don’t know what that referred to but I spent more than one night performing a thorough inspection of my skull to make sure an 11th toe wasn’t about to burst forth from my temple. That’s not the way I wanted to join the circus.

Later in life, we learn the difference between hyperbole and reality.

It took me a while to understand the concept of Jesus living inside me, dying to self, following Jesus, and giving Him everything. These aren’t just overblown, colloquialisms. These gigantic expressions are a mandate, especially for dads. There is nothing more important than letting these phrases become a reality, as we love our church, our family, and our friends.

I don’t want people to look back at my life and say, “Sure, He talked about dying to himself but that was just an exaggeration. He didn’t mean that literally.”

I don’t want my kids to say, “Oh, when He talked about following Jesus, He didn’t really mean actually following Jesus. He just meant that He admired the Man and thought He’d trying to live a little like Him.”

I want them to say, “He really believed all that stuff about Jesus and He was continually on a hunt for Him. He was obsessed with the fact that Jesus really rose from the dead. He really feared that his friends might go to hell (a real place) not just another PG word.” I’d love it to be said of me after I die, “That crazy old dude actually prayed like Jesus could actually hear him.”

That’s what would make me smile. And it’s something that no one will wipe off my face.