Every now and then as a pastor I get an opportunity to scan the faces of my church family in worship. I know many of them well as they struggle through life.  And then there are many I don’t know or only know vaguely.  Many that I know are amazingly rising up to worship despite cancer, job loss, rebel sons, seizures, and divorce. They are the same hearts that Jesus wept over as He scanned the streets of Jerusalem. I’m sure there are floods of issues and heartaches under the surface, just as there are in my personal world.

Only God knows the heart but so often I see people that I love lazily letting the worship happen around them. I don’t know about you, but it bothers me. Do they come for the band? Their friends? Their kids? Their spouse? Or do they come expecting God?  Maybe they’re just bored and want to make some sort of connection. When I’m around a few of my members I feel more like a caterer than a minister. Can you relate?  Comments such as…

too loud
too old
too hot
too cold
too long standing

….slowly wear us down.

The heart of worship is not a sterile crusade for logic and pretences.

It’s not a frantic carnival of human opinion about God.

It’s far from a celebration of human talent and exhibition.  It is the reckless pursuit of something more dangerous and pure than anything we can see with our eyes.  Opinions, competition and control wreck the longing for the heart of worship because they just point back to who we are. Worship sinks deeply into our existence to proclaim who He is. The heart of worship surrenders all the formulaic traditions. It lays siege to every idle attempt to control the outcome.  We are ambushed by mercy, propelled into awareness and stripped of pride.

Maybe this is why so many Christians refuse to worship. We are comforted by the tactile-the things we can see and touch like spiritual spreadsheets that unconsciously access whether the believer is a “good man” or a “bad man.” Our hearts too often longs for check-the-box, jump through hoops religion because it allows us a bit of control and rational compromise. When we worship, God takes a sledge hammer to our scales, rulers, and formulas.  It’s all futile, even comic. But when we really make the heart connection with God, stuff happens. Spiritual mutations occur that allow us to experience ecstasy in the midst of our brokenness and confusion.  Everything really is stripped away. Worship becomes resurrection and it is best done in groups.  That’s my longing as a worship leader- to see groups healed and transformed when they pour everything out. I long to see personal alabaster jars crushed. It’s truly is all about Him.  And if it’s not then maybe we should all resign, step aside and go back to work at the widget factory.

(The Last One Works Every Time!)

Growth is easy when you’re 8-years-old. It gets harder at 30 or 40 or 50. However, it’s easy to stop growing. Your growth as an adult demands intention.

Stop growing? Easy as pie! But just in case you run out of ideas, here are a few ways:

1. Hold on to things

Whether it is a wound, an awful experience or that old couch that you should have donated in 2007. If you want to stay stuck, then fear letting go. If you want to soar, you might need to drop a few pounds of excess baggage. If you want to move forward in relationships, you might need to stop white-knuckling grudges and myths.

2. Hang around people who aren’t growing.

The people you hang with will ultimately play a huge part in your growth as a person. If the people around you are constantly sinking into negativity and abuse, it may be time to get you some new people.

3. Stop reading.

Here’s some great advice from Groucho Marx:

“I find television very educating.  Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”

4. Binge watch a greater number of television shows at the same time.

People who are living real lives must spend less time monitoring fictional characters trapped in screens on walls.

5. Place your Bible in your car and keep it there from Sunday to Sunday.

A sure way to grind your growth to a halt is to stay away from God’s Word. In an age of Bible apps and memes, may I propose that you get a real Bible-one that you can hold. Consume it, write in it and highlight it. But for goodness sake don’t just treat it like a Sunday prop.  It’s a sad commentary that many believers will not walk ten yards away from a smart phone but will leave God’s word in the car or on the shelf most of the week.

“The Bible is very easy to understand. But we Christians are a bunch of scheming swindlers. We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand, we are obliged to act accordingly.”― Søren Kierkegaard

Yes, read books, but every day read THE Book.

6. Beat yourself up.

If you want to stop growing, become hypercritical of yourself. Fill your mind with lots of regret and self-loathing. Don’t view yourself like Jesus views you: wholly accepted. Instead hold yourself up to impossible standards and when you fail, compare yourself and your life by the lives of your most successful friends.

This one is my specialty. I’ve been honing my craft for years. I beat myself up all the time! I can be so cruel to myself. I’m my worst enemy! (Wait. I think I just beat myself up about beating myself up.)

7. Spend time trying to get people to like you.

In truth, this was never the point of Christianity. Where do you think we would be if Paul, the apostle, spend his ministry trying to get people to like him. If that was the goal, he failed gloriously. Think about it:

• Stoned (in the biblical sense, of course)
• Beaten
• Jailed
• Doubled-crossed
• Talked about
• Ignored
• Rejected

And that’s just confirmed stuff. Here’s how Paul writes it:

 I have worked harder, been put in prison more often, been whipped times without number, and faced death again and again.Five different times the Jewish leaders gave me thirty-nine lashes. Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked. Once I spent a whole night and a day adrift at sea. I have traveled on many long journeys. I have faced danger from rivers and from robbers. I have faced danger from my own people, the Jews, as well as from the Gentiles. I have faced danger in the cities, in the deserts, and on the seas. And I have faced danger from men who claim to be believers but are not. I have worked hard and long, enduring many sleepless nights. I have been hungry and thirsty and have often gone without food. I have shivered in the cold, without enough clothing to keep me warm. Then, besides all this, I have the daily burden of my concern for all the churches.

2 Corinthians 11:23-28

8. Numb the pain.

If you don’t want to grow, here’s the key: Every time you feel pain, reach for a pill, a drink, a pie, a website, a lover, a needle, a social media platform, or a hobby.

The last thig you want to do if you don’t want to grow is to feel it. All growth involves pain.

Growing pains? Is there any other kind?

You lose, you learn. You hurt, you learn. The smartest guys in the room wear their scars like a badge of honor. They are kind of like Jesus that way. The pain is where the truth comes alive. Don’t chase the pain but please don’t run from it.  I would agree with the ancient poet, philosopher Rumi when he said,

“Through love, all pain is medicine.”

Pain actually heals us and brings us home.

9. Take the credit and the blame for your children’s choices

If you’d like to stop growing as a person, live your life vicariously through your children to the extent that they are your identity. It’s a two-edged sword. When they mess up, you mess up. When they succeed, you find your identity in them. You can’t work on your own stuff if you are too focused on your kids stuff.

10. Pray sparingly and sporadically

If you want to stop growing all at once, stop praying immediately.  If you pray, you are growing.   It’s hard to not grow when you pray because it is so hard to be sinning and praying at the same time. Try it some time. (Actually, no. Don’t try it. It would be so weird.)  Prayer is growth on steroids without all the dangerous side effects. God wants your skin in the game, and the best way to get some skin in the game is through prayer.

11. Code your feelings rather than expressing them.

You know how frustrating it is when people with whom you work alongside choose to code their feelings. You know they are mad. They have just decided to use codes embedded in their overall attitude toward you. Adults use words not codes.   To not use words, when it comes to feelings, is to stunt your growth and the growth of any relationship. No one has ever truly changed from the inside-out by having someone pout at them for weeks.

12. Talk more than you listen

This is the ying in the yang of #11. If you don’t want to grow, talk more than you listen. I hope that one day people will say of me, “He really knew how to listen.” I’m not there yet, but I do know that I have rarely gotten it wrong by listening actively in a time of conflict or stress. On the other hand, I have very often messed things up terribly by speaking. It’s true what they say, “When you speak words that wound, it’s hard to get that toothpaste back in the tube.” When you listen, you usually grow. When you interupt, you usually churn.

Once again, the words of Rumi:

So just be quiet and sit down.
The reason is: you are drunk,
And this is the edge of the roof.

And finally…   The BIG one…

13. Blame others

This is the biggest shortcut to stunted growth. If you don’t want to grow, spend your life blaming others.

There’s no growth when you blame. So that’s why this is my best advice for people who don’t want to grow. Blame your mom, your dad, your kids, your job, your past, the market, your spouse, your ex,  the economy, the president and the devil. Find someone or something to blame, and I can assure you that you won’t grow. There is nothing in blame that has growth potential.

“People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can’t find them, make them.”
~ George Bernard Shaw

There are many who love to just sit around talking about how terrible their friends, neighbors and family members are. But research says that complaining to a friend about how awful someone is will most likely reflect negatively on you. Researchers call this ‘spontaneous trait transference‘.

So if you want to grow, show a little grace. If you want to stay stuck, blame away!

~

If you truly want to stay small, these are my best recommendations. I hope you won’t take any of them. My prayer is that you’ll join me as I continue to grow. If you catch me using one of these growth stunting strategies, please call me on it. I promise I won’t blame you, beat myself up or numb the pain. (At least I hope not.)

~

What is the church?

In all of it’s glory and shame

What is the future of this beautiful wreck

And what will we do when we realize that the Church is a Bride not a business

How will we explain our constant desire to hoard all we can

and keep inside a building made by hands of men

Some call it logic but God calls it sin.

How will we stand when his hand is seen

And the holy messiah who was born as a babe

Whose heart is wide open to the sick and the lame

How will we feel if he finds the church inactive

More attracted to the culture than those who needed us most

From the hurting across the street

To the poor surviving on some foreign coast

To the missionaries on foreign fields

The penniless less than an hour away

How will we stand on that day

When we realize that we were amused to death

We stuffed our bellies on selfish pursuits

Ignoring the riches of God

Realizing that Jesus was at our door

But we were too busy, too tired, to distracted to listen

So filled with excuses, conflict and cynicism

Content with the models of others

We neglected the savior, his sisters and brothers

The struggling fathers and the heartbroken mothers.

But for our church, the hour is late.

Will we become God’s grand twist of fate.

It might be the hardest thing we’ve ever done

To leverage our lives to the plan of the Son.

Some might call it impossible

Others might call it irrelevant

Still others might call it foolish.

But when our church stands in the halls of eternity

Standing there before presence of God

Every other pursuit will seem rather odd.

Of course we’ll be saved by God’s grace

Absolutely we’ll be redeemed in that place

But what legacy will we lay at the feet of our Savior.

How will we explain our thoughtless behavior?

That day is coming as sure as the sea

As real as the sun, as certain as sand

But here we are.  We have this amazing chance to step up and serve

To leave everything on this field of destiny

To say it’s all about them.  It’s not about me.

Perhaps the most repeated quote of the past few years, made famous through the excellent writings of Brene’ Brown is Teddy Roosevelt‘s anthem to those who dare to be in the arena:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

This is true, especially for the Christ-follower. Scripture speaks of this trait through the lives of a myriad of saints who stories were told and untold. These are the unscripted lives of men and women who stepped out of the safe places into the the dangerous trappings of culture.We are reminded for the Warrior beside us with lighting in His quiver.

We are reminded in scripture of these heroes who rise up again and again in his or her moment of consequence.

Here are a few verse of the sound like Teddy:

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8

Woe to the man in the arena who does not hear the roar. The enemy prowls the circumference of the area. Be alert, self-controlled, ready at all times.   You adversary longs to make meals of missionaries and fools of followers. What you are doing, even in the closets of prayer, is important work, even if no one is watching. You will face a reckoning of consequence there even before the critics notice.

Beloved, are you facing adversity? Take heed. It is not because you are deemed unworthy. The adversity exists. This is war. Don’t lose the fight in your bones.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”
Joshua 1:9

Whisper the mantra of Truth: He is with you. The enemy of discouragement weighs the believer down with doubt. Surround yourself with encouraging people who are in the arena with you and avoid those who are stuck in the sideshows of sarcasm and cynicism. Cynical people will never do anything more than spectate and comment on the battle. They aren’t in it. Avoid them or you will become one of them.

They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the LORD.
Jeremiah 1:19

We are not promised the absence of conflict in our lives. We are, however promised a Champion who is in the foxhole with you. I love how Eugene Peterson paraphrases Romans 8:

The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us?

Isn’t it great to have a big brother like Jesus?

I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you.
Luke 10:19

We can walk over the things that we would normally fear. We understand that what is over us is infinitely more powerful than what is under us.

Our society emerged as an over-diagnosed culture over the past ten years. We seem to have a name just about every disease, dysfunction and disorder. I don’t know why but I guess it’s a good thing to be able to understand ourselves or at least have an excuse for the crazy things we do! Through 29 years of being a dad I thought I’d hop on the bandwagon. Perhaps you have experienced one or two of these.

Dejavuphobia: A sudden fear that my son will make the same embarrassing mistakes on his first date that I made on mine.

O-snap-athy: Waking up in a panic on Saturday morning thinking that everyone in the house overslept for school.

Sockfunkify: the strange odor emanating from your kids bedroom after soccer practice.

Hyper-fossilicity: the ability of old stray French-fries to become rock hard in your car after two weeks.

Exchangopathy: Car Key Confusion when car keys are exchanged back and forth from my key ring and my son’s key ring.

Minivanusitis: a short-term curvature of the spine after a 16-hour drive to the grandparents home.

Explodeanese: the unintelligible language that bursts forth when teaching a child how to drive.

Involuntary Streakification: running out of the shower when you hear blood-curdling screams from your three year old.

Actorision: The insincere apology of a 12 year old who used your formal dining plates to attempt a juggling feat as seen on America’s Got Talent.

Photographic Fingernitis: The cramp in your pointer finger after videoing a 30-minute school play.

Chucky Cheesoring: Attempts to eliminate the ringing in your ear after three hours at your 5 year olds birthday party.

And then there’s my favorite:

Blessuphoria- Accidentally catching your daughter reading her Bible before heading off to school.

May you have more blessuphoria than involuntary streakifications!

Then Job spoke again: “My complaint today is still a bitter one, and I try hard

not to groan aloud. If only I knew where to find God, I would go to His throne

and talk with Him there. I would lay out my case and present my arguments.

Then I would listen to His reply and understand what He says to me. Would He

merely argue with me in His greatness? No, He would give me a fair hearing. Fair

and honest people can reason with Him, so I would be acquitted by my Judge.

I go east, but He is not there. I go west, but I cannot find Him. I do not see Him

in the north, for He is hidden. I turn to the south, but I cannot find Him.

Far from the comforting words of Psalm 23 the pleas of Job 23 shows a protagonist in search of a hiding God.The holy game of hide and seek. Job sings the anthem of a seeker. Lord, if You’ll show up, i’ll debate You, but i can’t find You right now. I counted to twenty, so God ready or not, here I come!

I seek You because life doesn’t make sense and the formulaic cause/effect mantra is played in vain. i don’t know how to pray. My prayers seem vain, pointless, and ineffective. I am calling out and my voice echoes to the far reaches of desert plains and majestic hillsides. And then only divine silence. What is this, Lord? Job asks.

God watches from afar. God knows that this moment in history is not a test of God’s realities. That is sure as gravity and granite. It is a test of Job’s dogged determination to believe even when God hides from him.

~

Recently I created a Facebook post on a page I manage using the voice of an unbeliever and her internal thoughts:

I’ve been looking over your files and I think I’ve narrowed down the diagnosis for your condition. You are uniquely you and that’s why you’ve been acting the way you have. I don’t think this condition will change. You’ll probably be you the rest of your life. You’ll continue struggling with this condition. Some days will be great. Others will not be good. Some days, in fact, will be agony. You’ll be especially susceptible to life. Your condition will continue to cause you pain. I know you’ve tried to shake this condition. You’ve tried in the past to be somebody else and that didn’t work. Discontinue this. It will never work.

The best thing you can do is to face up to your condition and stop trying to stop other people from being them. Especially the people you live with.

Besides that, since God has already decided to heal “you,” “you” must not be “someone else.” Otherwise “you” will be hopelessly unredeemable. You must come just as “you” are.

The bad news is that life (with “you”) will continue to be dangerous, painful, and filled with risk and failure.

The good news is that by accepting this diagnosis, life will be real and God will be the Powerful Redeemer you dreamed He would be.

I love this phrase. It is a three word equalizer. Whisper it when you become scattered and life is chaotic.

Perhaps it was all that fiery fundamentalist preaching I heard growing up or maybe because I had coaches that only spoke in loud, louder, and ear-ringing, facemask-grabbing vibrato. But I imagined God’s voice as a booming voice. However, I’ve learned that if you want to hear His voice, you’ve got to lean in a little. He speaks softly. He whispers. And so often listening involves shutting everything else off.

 Elijah learned this lesson at a low-point in his life when he was running scared from a controlling, powerful woman.  That must have been quite a day!  He wakes up to the aroma of fresh bread baked by an angel. Sometimes when we are exhausted and emotionally drained, the best thing we can do is to have a bite to eat.  There’s something wonderfully sacred about that. Notice, God didn’t strike him dead for his lack of heroism and abundance of fear. He fed him. That’s grace. Elijah went into solitude for forty days. He heard the wind. God wasn’t there. He heard the fire.  Nope. Not there either. Then he heard God in a whisper. Are you taking the time to listen to the voice of God? His voice is grace and nourishment for the hungry soul, like freshly baked bread over an open fire. His ready to speak, but Jesus is a gentleman. He’ll never interrupt.

Recipe for Settling the Instrument

• Eliminate Distrations
• Lean into the Silence
• Turn Something Off
• Create Space
• Give Things Away
• Reject Numbing Influences
• Acknowledge the Pain (a.k.a. teaching tool)

I recently ran into someone I knew in college at the mall in my home town. He was THE DUDE on campus. He married the campus beauty and received an assistantship at a prestigious law school in the northeast which allowed him to return home and begin a successful law office.

Amazingly, he remembered me. (I wasn’t THE dude. I was a lower case “dude.”) We decided to grab some coffee and catch up for a minute or two. He told me about his practice, his amazing house and two kids.

And I couldn’t help but notice the gaping hole in his story. What about his wife– that amazing wife he married shortly after we graduated?

I didn’t remember her name. Seems like it started with a “J.” Do I ask or do I leave town with this question bothering me for days? I thought, “What will it hurt to ask this guy about his wife?” So with as much ease and casual grace as I could muster I asked, “So how’s um … Jane doing?”

“Jill?”

“Right! Jill.”

John took a deep breath. “It ended after our second child was a toddler. She wanted way too much from me. I felt smothered and my personality just wasn’t connecting with hers. Jill was impossible. She got upset when she didn’t know where all my money was going. She constantly questioned my schedule. If I was a few hours late or had to stay at the office overnight without telling her, she’d freak. And she became very paranoid when I struck up friendships with the opposite sex. I felt like she assumed she married an Amish guy who signed an agreement not to have a life.

This was an uncomfortable situation for me. I hate people who judge others as much as anybody but I had huge alarms going off in my head.

How could someone so smart, be so far adrift in the oceans of relationships and marriage?

The three objections that he mentioned in his terse explanation created the perfect storm which led to a bankruptcy, joint custody, and many complicated, awkward conversations – like the one we were having.

You see, John had some rules about his life and his marriage. These marriage rules must be broken if your marriage is going to be everything you, your spouse and God desires it to be.

By all means, let your freak flag fly and break these idiotic rules our culture values.

Your money is your money.

Many couples I counsel fail to recognize that marriage as a financial partnership. God wants you and your spouse to work together and He’s quite interested in the way you handle money in your marriage.

It’s a tool God uses to teach us about sacrifice, unconditional love, communication, cooperation, trust and stewardship.

We learn these virtues in the classroom of finances.

The idea of separating the money that comes into the home is a dubious proposal. Leave a legacy of growth and sacrifice by working together as a family to achieve financial decisions and goals.

Your time is your time.

Every person needs time to be alone. It’s essential for prayer, reflection and restoration of mind and body. But to assume that your time is your time is to miss the entire message of a covenant marriage.

I know. You’re busy. But you’re married, too! Your time is no longer just your time. We have to learn balance. If you don’t have balance in your schedule, find it!

If you are making decisions alone regarding your time, your marriage can become toxic fast.

The issue of time and money can present the greatest threats to your marriage. Remember: the greatest barometers of your love for your spouse and your love of God are money and time.

In fact, Jesus felt so strongly about these two life values that He spent more time on them than He did on anything else.

Your friends are your friends.

(In other words, there should be no problem at all with husbands having a close female friend or two and the same for wives about a male friend.)

This is a rule that often leads to sticky, complicated messes. John held on to this rule with white knuckles until his marriage imploded.

He fell for a client with whom He spent lots of time. What began as an innocent working relationship grew into emotional cheating.

One may begin a relationship as functional allies. It may begin with an innocent compliment, then giving way to subtle flirtations, discussing marriage trouble, gift giving, sharing meals and traveling in the same cars.

And once that train leaves the station it’s difficult to stop.

Don’t trust your heart enough to do these things. Run away from these opportunities! Nothing good happens when you go there.

And the story continues…

So that’s the story of a friend of mine who didn’t break these insidious rules and broke his marriage in the process. In fact, he married the client.

Happily married today? No.

Believe it or not, she had the same issues with John’s rules as wife #1. They split in less than a year after their marriage began.

It’s the story of so many divorces: couples who were madly in love but refused to break some rules to save their marriage.

And if you want some rules that are truly liberating and provide the greatest chance to have a marriage that sizzles, try these:

• Love relentlessly.
• Never let anything stand between you and the love of your life.
• Celebrate the little things.
• Say important, loving words to your spouse today because you are never promised tomorrow.
• Control your work; spend the night with your spouse (not the other way around).
• Constantly invest in your relationship. The payoff is huge.
• Learn to forgive, forgive and forgive. It truly is divine!
• Admit your hurts and faults.
• Listen with your ears, your eyes and your touch.
• Open up. Speak the last 2% that you’ve kept to yourself.
• And last but not least – never, ever give up on your spouse.