Red Beans and Rice, Cher!

My son, Jacob, asked me for my Red Beans and Rice Recipe. I didn’t give him the recipe like it was given to me. Otherwise it would sound something like this:

Lemme tell you how we do it way down da bayou, bébé.

First t’ing, you take dem red kidney beans, put ‘em in a big ol’ bowl. Cover dem beans wit’ water — ‘bout an inch or so over da top, yeah — an’ let ’em soak good overnight, let dem swell up nice an’ fat.

Come da nex’ day, you dump dem beans in da colander, rinse all dat dirt an’ bad mojo off. Den you slap ’em in a big ol’ pot, pour you a coupla cans dat red tomato sauce, maybe a lil’ splash water too, just to keep her from dryin’ out.

Now, when you runnin’ roun’ dat store, you peek in da frozen box — you gonna find dat Cajun seasonin’ mix, got da peppers an’ da onions all chopped nice. Dat’s easy, easy. But if dey ain’t got it, no sweat, cher — you just cut you up some big ol’ onions, some fat bell peppers, an’ don’ forget dat garlic, non! Dat garlic, she make da pot sing, yeah.

You track you down some good andouille sausage — not dat city stuff, get da good smokey kind, make your nose dance soon as it hit da pot. Throw it all in dere wit’ dem beans, turn dat fire down low, let it bubble, let it talk to you real slow, like a fiddle playin’ in da night.

When you t’ink maybe she ready, you take one dem beans, mash ’em ‘gainst da side o’ dat pot — if she smash all soft an’ creamy, dat’s da Holy Ghost tellin’ you it’s time, cher.

Some folk round here, dey don’t use no tomato sauce, mais I tell you straight — dat sauce, she give it da little extra somethin’ to make you slap ya mama, it’s so good.

When dem beans be ready, you heap you a big ol’ spoonful right on some fluffy white rice, yeah. An’ don’ be shy now — you splash a good bit o’ dat Tabasco sauce on top, spice it up real nice, make it dance on your tongue like a fais do-do on Saturday night, sha!

Dat’s how we cook it, true true. Now come pass a good time, yeah!