Solving that Annoying Problem of Church Growth

For some people, church growth can be rather tedious. Parking problems, the new people to get to know, the reduction of political power due to the influx of new people that don’t know you, the extra wear on the carpet, the noise of young children, the overuse of bathroom facilities…you name it. So as we contemplate growth I thought I’d share a few ideas that could very well solve the spread of people throughout the foyer of your church’s worship center.

So, just for fun, may I submit to you 25 tried and true ideas for solving the annoying problem of church growth. Pick a couple and see what happens.

1. Begin your message with the phrase, “You know what’s wrong with you people…”
2. Place the Student Sunday school space near the “Ruth class” for ladies 70 and above.
3. Move Business Meetings to Sunday Morning and open up the floor by asking, “So does anybody have beefs?”
4. Begin that year-long sermon series on the 70 weeks of Daniel.
5. Place a Polygraph machine on the front pew to be used during the invitation time.
6. Place tire puncture strips in the parking lot for cars going the wrong way before Sunday School.
7. Pick a NASCAR driver as your favorite and complain about all the other drivers (this works best in Alabama).
8. Place the Roller Coaster “You must be this tall” sign at the entrance of the Worship Center. (And make it stand about 5’8 ½”)
9. Keep the Christmas Pageant livestock in the church choir room year round.
10. Announce that on high attendance Sunday, if the goal is met, everyone will kiss the pig!
11. If your auditorium slopes downward to the platform give every kid under 12 a handful of marble before the service.
12.  Give the deacons the ability to “gong” the special music.
13.  Place the outdoor welcome center tent a few feet from the septic tank.
14.  Replace the pictures of former pastors with pictures of Larry, Moe, and Curly.
15.  Start arranging marriages in the single department.
16.  Put a blank for weight on the membership forms.
17.  Invite the “Cops” crew along during hospital visits.
18. Demand madatory drug tests for all senior adult excursions.
19.  In order to feel relevant, say “Dude” 15 times from the pulpit each Sunday.
20.  Have organist play hockey cheers at pivotal moments of the sermon.
21. Place armed guards in front of the Sunday School Supply Closet.
22. Before the offertory hymn have the worship leader scream, “Show Me the Money”
23.  Charge tolls for use of restrooms.
24.  Illustrate all sermons or Sunday School lessons with scenes from “Walker Texas Ranger.”
25.  Use the “The Voice” format for staff hirings.

This work by Matt Tullos is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International